Not so lovely feelings.

Four days postpartum and depressed.  Not what I had expected after imagining and wondering what it would be like to become a mommy and finally be with my baby!  I had fantasized about what it would be like to bring my daughter home for the first time and this is not what I had dreamed of or thought it would be like.  I had never expected to have such intense feelings of anxiety, fear, or sadness.  Shouldn't this be the most exciting time of my life? I remember thinking to myself, what have we done?  Are we really ready to be parents?  I miss my freedom! 

These feelings were confusing and terrifying since becoming a mother was something I had dreamed about and wanted so deeply since I was a little girl.  I knew that I was meant to be a mother.  So, why so sad and down?  I was ashamed of these feelings.  People would ask me if I felt the "immediate and intense love" for my daughter;  I lied and said yes.  I wanted to feel all giddy inside when I held my baby girl, I wanted to be "in love", but I wasn't feeling it.  Of course there are huge hormonal changes postpartum and I've struggled with depression in the past so I knew that what I was feeling wasn't what it was supposed to be like.  I knew that these feelings were temporary, well, was praying that they were!  God help me!

This may have been the most painful and difficult time I've ever gone through.  

June is now four weeks old.  I'm in love.  She's amazing and beautiful.  After some treatment and much support, I'm feeling myself again.  The depression and disconnectedness feels like something of the past.  June and I are bonding and she knows that I'm her mommy- so special!  I can't imagine life without her.  She is the one God chose for me.  Even when things were tough God would continuously bring a passage from Psalm 139 to mind, to remind me of my precious daughter, and to remind me of God's faithfulness.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

When I started writing this blog my first entry stated that I wanted to focus on all that is lovely, even in pain.  So, what loveliness came out of this painful experience?  By far, I've been blown away by love and support from family and friends.  We had meals prepared for us for 17 days after June was born.  We were so blessed.  I also did not realize how much I needed my mommy until I became a mommy.  My mom made herself available day in and day out (and at midnight on the first night we were home with June) and has been so patient and kind.  I don't know if I could have gotten through those first two weeks without my mom's support.  I am more in love with Allen than ever!  Going through pregnancy and childbirth creates a bond like I had never imagined.  I am thankful to call him my husband and June's daddy.  He's a great father already and we are both still learning how to be parents.  No one else I'd rather be on this journey with and that is simply lovely!

A lovely day.

June Olivia York FINALLY decided that it was time to come out and meet her mommy and daddy.  Being eight days late, June also decided that she wanted to be born in June.  She was born on June 1st at 9:51pm.  When June was placed on my chest for the first time it was one of the most surreal moments I've ever experienced.  Seeing her cute face and body for the first time was overwhelming and so exciting.  It was strange to finally see what she looked like after wondering for so many months.  I have to admit, she was a lot cuter that I had expected.  She had a full head of hair, also unexpected since Allen and I were both bald at birth, and her eyes were wide open.  She was beautiful.  I remember saying "I can't believe she's mine!"  It was a lovely day.

More "Love" on my mind. Day of Love!

I serve on the local justice and compassion team at Vintage Faith Church.  We have been building relationships with community-based organizations that promote love, compassion, and service to those with needs.  Our intention is not to reinvent the wheel, but to join in with what is already going on in our community.   We have been partnering with the Pregnancy Resource Center, Trade As One, Beach Flats Community Center, Head Start, and currently working on a partnership with Santa Cruz Community Counseling Center.  As we were discussing Mother's Day a while back, we came up with an idea.  Have a day that mothers can come and be pampered by volunteers who want to serve and love all the mum's who work so hard and rarely get rewarded or acknowledged.  We would invite all of the mothers from Pregnancy Resource Center, Beach Flats Community, The Sienna House (a supportive living environment for women who are pregnant and homeless), and Janice.  And that is what we did.  Well, things get more exciting.  This event went from an idea that consisted of brunch and live music to....are you ready for this?  Brunch, live music, clothing boutique, professional haircuts, professional massages, family portrait studio, and a car care clinic (oil changes and car washes).  We have nearly 100 volunteers that stepped up in our church community to serve at this event.  We've had nearly 100 women RSVP to this event.  LOVELY.  Can't wait to see the outcome of this event, and hopefully it's something we can do each year.  Unfortunately, I am still with-child, so I most likely will not be able to serve at this event on June 4th, who knows, I may even become a mommy myself on the day of this event, but in any case I am proud of all the work that the team has done in preparing for these well-deserved mothers and I pray that the mom's really will feel loved and lovely!

Speaking of lovely...

I try not to be overly obsessed with fashion or material goods (not the purpose of this blog), but every once in a while something catches my attention that I have to share because it evokes a sense of beauty-to-the-eye.  Look at these headbands.  Aren't they cute?  I so badly want to get one for our baby, something that she can wear for her first photos.  I love colorful things, and they are handmade!




These headbands are handmade by a woman in Canada.  Her goods can be found on Etsy (Giddy Up and Grow Handmade with Love).

Love this too...

This cute headband can also be found on Etsy by Neisha's Blue and is only $14.95!

Waiting...

Something new.  I've been thinking about starting a blog for a while now.  I've always been an avid "journal-er" and although not the best writer or the greatest at articulating what's really going on "up stairs", there's a whole lot going on up there.  I thought, what the heck?  I'm on maternity leave and have some spare time.  Who knows if I will be able to keep up with blogging as I head into the world of motherhood...any day now...but I will try, and I'm sure as heck going to have a lot to say.  I feel that a creative outlet, especially one in which will be focused on lovelyness (don't think that's a word, but it should be) would be fun and probably a better way to spend my "free" time than watching the plethora of reality shows that I have been excessively drawn into.

Speaking of something new.  It is May 28th, and nearly four days past my due date.  I'm dying to meet my precious daughter.  For the past week I lay awake at night, begging her to come join me, to come out and play with me and daddy!  We cannot wait to meet her, to see her precious face and tiny fingers and toes.  How surreal and lovely it is to be in this moment of anticipation, excitement, and fear.

love·ly

love·ly/ˈləvlē/  Exquisitely beautiful.  Eliciting love.  Inspiring love or affection.

I have made a commitment.  To focus on all that is lovely.  In life.  In my mind.  And even in pain.  Whatever may come.  May I see, experience, and face the God of love and loveliness.  Daily.