Not so lovely feelings.

Four days postpartum and depressed.  Not what I had expected after imagining and wondering what it would be like to become a mommy and finally be with my baby!  I had fantasized about what it would be like to bring my daughter home for the first time and this is not what I had dreamed of or thought it would be like.  I had never expected to have such intense feelings of anxiety, fear, or sadness.  Shouldn't this be the most exciting time of my life? I remember thinking to myself, what have we done?  Are we really ready to be parents?  I miss my freedom! 

These feelings were confusing and terrifying since becoming a mother was something I had dreamed about and wanted so deeply since I was a little girl.  I knew that I was meant to be a mother.  So, why so sad and down?  I was ashamed of these feelings.  People would ask me if I felt the "immediate and intense love" for my daughter;  I lied and said yes.  I wanted to feel all giddy inside when I held my baby girl, I wanted to be "in love", but I wasn't feeling it.  Of course there are huge hormonal changes postpartum and I've struggled with depression in the past so I knew that what I was feeling wasn't what it was supposed to be like.  I knew that these feelings were temporary, well, was praying that they were!  God help me!

This may have been the most painful and difficult time I've ever gone through.  

June is now four weeks old.  I'm in love.  She's amazing and beautiful.  After some treatment and much support, I'm feeling myself again.  The depression and disconnectedness feels like something of the past.  June and I are bonding and she knows that I'm her mommy- so special!  I can't imagine life without her.  She is the one God chose for me.  Even when things were tough God would continuously bring a passage from Psalm 139 to mind, to remind me of my precious daughter, and to remind me of God's faithfulness.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

When I started writing this blog my first entry stated that I wanted to focus on all that is lovely, even in pain.  So, what loveliness came out of this painful experience?  By far, I've been blown away by love and support from family and friends.  We had meals prepared for us for 17 days after June was born.  We were so blessed.  I also did not realize how much I needed my mommy until I became a mommy.  My mom made herself available day in and day out (and at midnight on the first night we were home with June) and has been so patient and kind.  I don't know if I could have gotten through those first two weeks without my mom's support.  I am more in love with Allen than ever!  Going through pregnancy and childbirth creates a bond like I had never imagined.  I am thankful to call him my husband and June's daddy.  He's a great father already and we are both still learning how to be parents.  No one else I'd rather be on this journey with and that is simply lovely!

A lovely day.

June Olivia York FINALLY decided that it was time to come out and meet her mommy and daddy.  Being eight days late, June also decided that she wanted to be born in June.  She was born on June 1st at 9:51pm.  When June was placed on my chest for the first time it was one of the most surreal moments I've ever experienced.  Seeing her cute face and body for the first time was overwhelming and so exciting.  It was strange to finally see what she looked like after wondering for so many months.  I have to admit, she was a lot cuter that I had expected.  She had a full head of hair, also unexpected since Allen and I were both bald at birth, and her eyes were wide open.  She was beautiful.  I remember saying "I can't believe she's mine!"  It was a lovely day.